Things I'm Going To Stop Doing When I Turn Thirty

• Calling the people I date "boys". I'm not sure when I'll start calling them men, but I'll concede that "boys" sounds silly. I like "guys" for starters.

• Accepting half-love from said guys. 

• Forgetting to refill my contact prescription and going blind for a week every fiscal quarter. 

• Avoiding the dentist. 

• Dreading confrontation of any sort. Confrontation is progress. Confrontation is progress...

• Not asking for help when I need it. No need to figure everything out on your own, yo.
  

• Giggling when I receive a compliment.

• Hesitating to ask for what I want.

• Eating cheese when I know I really shouldn't eat cheese. 

• Minding the nay-sayers. The haters can suck it. 

• Letting other people's moods affect me so much.

And, some things I'll never stop doing, regardless of age or sideways glances:

• Calling my dad "Daddy". 

• Daydreaming about being Belle from Beauty and the Beast. I mean, that library! Swoon.

• Digging Lorde. Mah girl. 

• Avoiding the phone most of the time.  

• Giggling in general.

• Asking my mom to make me snack. Being overwhelmingly pleased with whatever she brings me.
  

• Twirling whenever I wear a twirl-worthy dress.

• Acting like a kid in a candy store when, you know, I'm in a candy store. Or on a cruise ship. Or in Europe. Or in Bed Bath & Beyond's bedding aisle.

Confessions

• I slather my hair in a gooey concoction of honey, mayonnaise and olive oil on the regular. That is not the confession. The confession is that I actually believe 100% that it works magic on my hair. I have a lot of beliefs about hair. 

• Sometimes I wonder who would see my Google search history if I died. And by 'sometimes', I mean 'nearly every day'. And by 'wonder', I mean 'worry about'. Let my headstone read: 

                               Here lies Bobbi Marie. 
                               She was a very curious person.

• This Craigslist Missed Connection post made me cry. Twice.

• Sometimes I wait for a second elevator in the morning because I like to be alone until at least 10am if I can help it. 

• A random guy at Trader Joes asked me what I'd do if I won the Mega Millions (In retrospect he was hitting on me, but--confession within a confession--I can never really tell I'm being hit on *while* its happening...). Anyways, I told him I'd buy an island and just live the life, and maybe an airplane so people could visit when they wanted. But, really, the first thing I'd do (while my island sale is pending) is buy this dress  and throw a Gossip Girl-esque party. And you would all have to wear masks. No exceptions.

• The second thing I would do is throw a ton of money into private detectives so that the people from the Craiglist ad could have a second drink.  And then I would do something about this.

• Whoever I marry will need to be cool with me wearing that dress on our wedding day, because, seriously, purple > white any day of the week. Besides, as Miranda said so eloquently, the jig is up. 

• I know that show is seventeen kinds of ridiculous, but good god, I am so thankful for friendships like theirs. You know, the kind where your phone call ends with: "God, could you imagine if someone was listening to this conversation?" "Well, the NSA is, but oh well. Screw 'em. They'll laugh their a$$es off."

Confessions

• I think that I am having a full-on third-life crisis. What other excuse is there for being down-and-out obsessed with a 17-year-old pop singer with a song called Tennis Court--about going down to the tennis court and talking it up like YEAH (yeah)? That's right, there isn't any other excuse. I'm having a crisis. 

• I find myself mimicking accents back to people who have them. This does not bode well for speaking with my British coworkers. I can't bloody stop! 

• I fear I am too old for Snapchat...it takes longer than 4 seconds to focus my eyes on that random comment you scribbled across that blurry photo.  

• I really love sitting in the portion of the bus that swings back and forth when you turn corners. It kind of feels like a theme park ride on my way to work. (I am such a nerd.) 

• I avoid medications like the dickens, so I've never had to titrate any meds to get the dosage right. I know this is the right decision because I'm pretty sure that there's about an ounce of a margin in my coffee intake that moves me from sufficiently energized and "can-do!" to manic and slightly reckless. 

• I know, I know, I know, I know. I'm going to regret saying this when my feet are numb at the bus stop in February, but today is the day that I proclaim that I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS HEAT.  

• I have had 20-minute conversations about hair with three different co-workers within the last two weeks, and I find this perfectly reasonable. If you ever want to gab about hair, I'm your girl. Just be warned that, like just about everything, I have a lot of opinions about hair.

Confessions

• While I've got the discipline of running down, the rest of my workouts have been hard fought. The other day I went to yoga only because its near Whole Foods and I wanted a kombucha. I don't know what this says about me. I'm a lazy hippie with expensive taste in digestive self care?

Ha. Haaaa. Confession: I find this incredibly funny. The em dash!

• The first two times I heard a squawking noise in my cubicle row, I earnestly hoped that someone was visiting with a bird. Only the third time did I concede that it was probably a cell phone chime. (Come on, it would be SO cool if someone was visiting with a parrot.)

• The frequency with which I use Wikipedia for work would shock and, I suspect, enrage my English professors.

• I have edited my Match.com profile more often than my resume. Part of me just wants to link to my blog and be like, "If you think you can handle that, give me a holler."

• There is a corridor outside my work building, a little park with a fountain and greenery, with plenty of places for people to sit and eat lunch. Every Wednesday in the summertime, a farmer's market takes over, with fresh veggies, aged balsamic vinegars and olive oils, stinky cheeses, and fresh-baked crusty baguettes. This past Wednesday was the first showing, and I was in my glory. I tried to keep my cool around my coworkers, but at the end of the loop, I squealed, "I think this is the best day of my life!" And it kind of was.

• I am going to be a ridiculous mother. A note from the dog walker that said "Henley was a good girl today. A little girl gave her Cheerios." almost made me cry. A little girl gave her Cheerios! She was probably so happy and so gentle, if a little too excited! Forgive me for being that parent. Cheerios! A little girl! I can't. even.

Confessions

1.  I've recently started taking an hour nap when I get home from work. Usually that's a no-no, as it often times messes up my sleep that evening, but it hasn't affected anything. I wake up at 6 or 6:30 and go about my evening. I've been listening to my body and it's working. 

2.  I only want to change my name when I get married if my husband's name is really awesome. Bobbi McGee, yes. Bobbi Brown, maybe. Bobbi Johnson, eh. Bobbi Gyllenhaal, hell yes. Bobbi Brady, no.

3.  I'm alone a lot. And when you're alone a lot you have to choose your thoughts wisely. This is sometimes difficult for me--the choosing-the-thoughts part, not the being-alone part. When you're alone, there is no one to cheer you up or say, hey here's another way to look at that. Except for a 3-month-long period right after I bought my house, I have always loved being and living alone. I still do. In fact, it's pretty necessary sometimes. But I've been straying some with the positive thinking lately. The bright side (hey, look at me pointing out the bright side!) is that I'm aware of it and that makes me less likely to stray and more likely to steer myself back in the right direction when I begin to dwell.

4. I spent 45 minutes yesterday unsubscribing from places I've previously asked to send me email.  It was kind of like when you go a little nutty and before you know it, your whole house is sparkling clean (which has happened to me maybe twice in my adult life). I don't know what it was, but I just couldn't stand the state of my inbox at that moment. Fairwell, marketers.

5. I've never cut my own grass and I never really intend to. I'm pretty sure I'd be the girl who ran over her own foot. Begging my brother to help me out is much safer for all involved. 

6. I'm attending seven weddings this summer and do not plan to find a plus-one for any of them. This is equal parts terrifying and liberating.  If anyone gets married in 2013, there is a strong chance I may be in Brazil that weekend. Working on finding my plus-one.

7. I have been patiently waiting for two avocados to ripen since Saturday. It's embarrassing to confess how much of my time I've spent thinking about those avocados. I've even tried the banana-in-a-brown-paper-bag method. If all goes according to plan, I will be rolling in the guacamole for the next two days.

8. If eating homemade honey-almond butter by the spoonful is wrong, I don't wanna be right. Speaking of honey, I think I may have to start wearing a disguise when I stop by the co-op bulk honey stand. If you see a brunette in a 'stache in the bulk food aisle loading up on honey, please look the other way.

9. I'm kinda anti-social on Facebook. I would wager to guess that about 30% of my Facebook friends are unsubscribed on my feed (I just don't want to hear what you had for breakfast/whether or not your child's poop was normal this morning/how much you love your boyfriend of 2 months), and about 15% can't see my wall or pictures. I'm careful to post only things I would say in front of my Grandma on Facebook, but if there's a chance you might actually bring it up to my Grandma, you're blocked.

10. Sometimes it feels a little selfish to have a hot tub of my own. But then I turn up the jets and I practice choosing my thoughts.