Core Desired Feelings

I've been sort of smitten with Danielle LaPorte's concept of 'core desired feelings' for a few months now. The idea is that instead of setting goals and checking them off, which can feel empty or frustrating depending on the outcome, you should spend your energy thinking about how you want to feel, and live your life in pursuit of those feelings.

When I look back on my 30-Before-30 list, this makes so much sense to me. Obviously, I wanted to slow down, grow up, find some purpose, be more independent, and have some fun. And I found that halfway through my list, achieving wasn't doing it for me. I needed to get real and change the way I felt.

But when it came to naming the feelings I desired, I hesitated. I read up on other people's CDFs and, man, they were great. Loved? Vivacious? Brave?

I wanted to feel all the feelings! How could I edit? How could I choose?

But I was sitting in the park on lunch one day and, just like that, formed my list. True. Free. Grounded. Thriving. Boom.

True. Part of knowing how you want to feel is knowing how you don't want to feel. I don't want to feel ingenuine. It makes me feel icky and itchy. I don't sleep well when I've done something out of character, and I start to go a little haywire if I don't let all of my colors show. Even if I'm in an uncomfortable situation, or in conflict, I want to try to find the thread of common ground or the truth of the matter, and work my way out from there. Plus, my mom taught me that lying gets you reallll grounded (and not the good kind), so. Tell the truth. Live your truth.

Free. This is the hardest for me to explain. Owning a house taught me that to be bound by something you've outgrown is limiting, in so many ways. I want to be careful about the things I bind myself to, and cultivate a feeling of freedom. That means finding someone who loves the me that loves her freedom. That means living clean so that I can pounce on opportunity when it presents itself. That means working on vulnerability so I have crystal clear boundaries.

Grounded. Ah, the roots. I always want to know where my place is. I used to have this very freaky thought at milestone moments: "I am the same girl I've always been." It's weird to think that all your life, you're the same person. Always evolving yes, but one body, one mind, one history. I want to always be the same girl I've always been, and I want to stay close to the people, places, and things that make me feel that way.

Thriving. And, inevitably, the wings. I want to know where I come from, yes, but I don't want to be stagnant. I love the synonyms for thriving: blooming, blossoming, flourishing. I want to do all those things, be a whole meadow, even if for today that means actively enjoying and appreciating what is happening now. I always want to be learning and getting better at being me.

What I love is that my CDFs are all interdependent. You have to be true in relationships with others in order to be free from guilt and bad juju. You have to be grounded to know what true looks like. In order to thrive, you must be free from anything that would hold you back.

No weed was smoked during the writing of this post.