30 Things I've Learned in 30 Years

When I got home each afternoon in elementary school, my dad would ask me what I learned that day. At first, I'd say, "Nothing..." but he always had a rebuttal that, paired with his trademark grin, was oddly threatening: 

"Well then I guess you're not getting ANY smarter..." 

"I'm going to have to call those teachers of yours."

"I 'spose there's no need to go back tomorrow!" 

I loved the social aspect of school so that last one kind of terrified me. I started to pay attention each day to what we were learning, so that I'd have something to report:

"We learned how to write a cursive Z. It's pretty cool, actually."

"We learned that kids in England call Santa 'Father Christmas'." 

"Did you know that penguins are birds? They're not mammals."

I think I'd be ignoring a large part of my psyche if I said that this is the sole reason I'm so aware of/obsessed with the lessons I'm learning, but I also like to think it's part of it.

Here are 30 things I've learned in my 30 years on Earth. I'm smarter, sure, but I'm definitely going back for more tomorrow.

1. You're not going to enjoy it all. Some of it will suck the living soul right out of you and some of the time it will feel like everything you want is just out of your reach. The best coping mechanism is a good healthy dose of perspective. Add vodka as necessary.

2. Don't take the wind personally. There's the sucky thing, and then there's the way you feel about the sucky thing. You have the power to not make it any worse than it is.

3. Shining your own light is not being boastful. Using your talents honors the teachers and cheerleaders who have helped you along your way.

4. There are two ways to shine.  The verb 'shine' actually has two meanings: to give light and to reflect light. To be bright or to reflect someone's brightness back at them. Either way, there's more light in the world when you shine.

5. Pick good people. People who make your heart light up for reasons that you can't put your finger on. People who are kindred spirits after one conversation, or people who have enriched your life for over 20 years. Be choosy, and then be liberal with your love.

 

6. The first rule of work happy hour is Do Not Talk About What Happened At Work Happy Hour.

7. People that truly love you will let you change. In fact, it's only when you truly love yourself that you'll let yourself change.

8. Change can be excruciating, but it is so damn necessary.

9. Balance is worth seeking. Happiness, in general, is worth relentless pursuit.

10. As Joseph Campbell said, "Follow your bliss, and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be." There are so many doors out there.

11. Pick up the phone when it's hardest to pick up the phone. You won't regret it. Say what you need to say.

12. Anxiety: The only way out is through. Breathe, girlfriend. Hug your pup.

13. Friendships ebb and flow. And it's nothing to worry about. What's that saying? "True friends know that they can grow separately without growing apart."

14. Your flaws are where your connections to others begin.

15. Tears are a necessary part of life, the good and the bad. Tears are like ginger at a sushi restaurant...they cleanse your emotional palate.

16. You are in charge of your reputation. Conversely, if you're being genuine and authentic, who cares what your Facebook privacy settings are?

17. Hurt begets more hurt. Hurt people hurt people. Every bad behavior comes from an unmet need. (I spent juuust long enough with social workers to make up my mind that I could never do half the work they do.) When you're hurt, choose love, or quiet, or action. Don't choose more hurt. And it is absolutely a choice.

18. Esse quam videri. North Carolina's state motto means "to be, rather than to seem." Basically, be less concerned by how your decisions seem, and more concerned with who they help you be.

19. You know what is best for your body. Just because someone has 'MD' after their name does not mean they know what is best for your body. You do. 

20. Fiber, man. Fiber is key. 

21. Fight for optimum health. Even if you have to yell at or fire your doctor(s). Even if you have to book an appointment with a third physical therapist or track down the best specialist in the USA. Hold out hope and fight like bloody hell. 

22. People think about you a heck of a lot less often than you think they do. This is so liberating.

23. Sex and love are not the same thing. Lemme repeat that: Sex and love are not the same thing.

24. "Anything other than yes is no." Best relationship advice I ever got, straight outta the mouth of our favorite brooding crooner, John Mayer. "Anything other than stay is go."

 

25. It's being taken care of. Per Dave Matthews:

Tell me everything will be okay / if I just keep believing in something 

Tell me everything is all taken care of / by those qualified to take care of it all

And per the Desiderata:

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace...

We all know my feelings about the saying 'everything happens for a reason'; it makes me want to scream and demand that the person who says it please give me a good reason for child abuse, for hunger, for the mistreatment of animals, for cancer. But reminding myself that there are people out there taking care of other people, doing good, using their experience for the better is both comforting and inspirational. Makes me want to be one of those people who is qualified to take care of something. 

26. Use your telfon. I had a really hard time when I started my job as a grant writer for a social service agency. There are so many causes! So many people in need! Where to start?! It wears on you after a while. It brings you down, makes your personal boundaries start to shift. A colleague of mine gave me some great advice. As a person who worked one-on-one with clients in dire circumstances on a daily basis, she regularly envisioned herself in a bubble. Other people's problems cannot penetrate her bubble. She can be empathetic, help them get the help they need and wish them well, but it could never penetrate her bubble, her well-being. The bubble thing didn't work for me, but it instantly clicked: Teflon. I'm covered in Teflon and I can empathize with you, but your worries slide right off of me. This has helped me immensely in creating boundaries in my personal and professional lives. 

27. All things come out in the wash. And sometimes you lose a sock or two. Very sensible advice given to me by a complete stranger on a train in NYC. I think she was probably Buddhist. Basically, don't focus too much on what's going wrong or right right now. It'll all work out, and most times the ends are worth the means, even if you make a little sacrifice along the way.

28. The moment you start living your life on your terms is the moment you become an adult. No other milestone matters quite like that one. 

29. The detours are where the living happens. The more detours, the richer the life. And the more stories you'll have to tell your nursing home homies.

30. You are at the center of your life. Your body, your mind. You're the only you you've got. Fill your own cup and be mindful of how you spend and gain your energy. When you keep this in your thoughts, and your actions follow suit, life becomes really beautiful.