Quoteworthy: Sufficiency

I write a lot about struggles here, about my insecurities and things I'm working to change about myself.

In fact, here's a confession: I pretty much spent the last year thinking about my shortcomings, my flaws, the baggage that I bring to relationships, the ways that I fail other people--trying to figure out how to unload some of it or improve.

Which means I've pretty much spent a year of my life thinking about deficiencies. Thinking about my glass as half empty.

Dating after years of shutting out intimacy will do this to you. I basically ripped open a part of myself I had sewn shut and was shocked by what I found: Old (oldoldold, really really old) wounds, an embarrassing track-record of accepting far less than I should have (about half if I had to estimate), and a nagging feeling as though what I had to offer wasn't on par.

Which, after a while, is a seriously sucky headspace to be in. 'Exhausting' is one word that comes to mind. 'Totally fucking depressing' are three others.

 

Source

So I've been thinking about ways to get more in the headspace of sufficiency, which is a totally beautiful word I just learned.

Sufficiency: (adj) the condition of being adequate
Adequate: (adj) fully suitable

Synonyms: abundance, fullness, competency, enough, satisfactory

There is a family story that I like to tell people in which my grandpa requested My Cup Runneth
Over on the radio. When it played, he stood in the kitchen with my grandma and hugged her while she cried. It's become a special song to my family, and now, it's the anthem of how I think about love:

Sometimes in the morning, when shadows are deep
I lie here beside you, just watching you sleep
And sometimes I whisper, what I'm thinking of
My cup runneth over with love

Sometimes in the evening, when you do not see
I study the small things, you do constantly
I memorize moments that I'm fondest of
My cup runneth over with love

In only a moment, we both will be old
We won't even notice the world turning cold
And so in this moment with sunlight above
My cup runneth over with love

With love
 --Ed Ames, My Cup Runneth Over


What I have learned from a year of thinking about deficiencies is that what counts in life is effort. What counts in love is being present. Being open. Being vulnerable. Being your whole self. Baring your flaws for others to see. Studying love. Taking risks. Fostering a foundation of happiness that sustains all else.

What I have learned from a year of thinking about deficiencies is that my cup has never been empty--or even half full. It has always been full, and always will be--and one day, when the universe works its magic, it will run over. But for now, full is sufficient. And sufficiency is beautiful.