How To: The Pursuit of Better

Call your retired father in the middle of the day to ask him a question you already know the answer to. Bristle when he answers the phone in a crabby tone. Take it personally. Walk into your next meeting feeling anxious. Remember the time your co-worker commented, "You just take things so personally!"

Take a deep breath, like the experts say to. Take three more for good measure. Remind yourself that taking it personally is what makes you human, makes you empathetic, makes you you. Watch your boss's mouth move but have no idea what she is saying. Focus on making your face as neutral as possible. Nod and laugh when appropriate.

Trudge through the rest of your day. Feel bad that you took it personally; he is in a lot of pain, after all. Do your back exercises on your grungy office carpeting and try to believe they work. Close your eyes really hard and try to believe that you will be better soon.

Hop back up to your top-of-the-line office chair, position your lumber support pillow and sit. Sit some more. Try not to flinch. Try to believe this chair makes it better.

Arrive home without remembering the drive. Silently but solemnly hope that you obeyed the new traffic signs at the intersection by your office. Tell yourself, 'No one honked. You must have done it right.' Tell yourself you're tired, you're doing your best. Try to believe it.

Hug your dog while she perches in that familiar spot on the couch. Breathe her in. Try to remember the last time your heart beat like hers is now. Remind yourself those moments come in waves. It might be a while, but you'll feel it again.

Chop up some carrots for dinner. Give your mom short answers when she calls. Tell her not to take it personally. Feel bad when you hang up the phone.

Eat half of your dinner. Put the other half in a Ziploc container for tomorrow. Lie down. Kiss your dog's face. Smile for the first time in hours when her tail goes thump-thump-thump. Be thankful that those moments do not come in waves for her. Take it personally.

Do your back exercises on your grungy bedroom carpeting. Vow to work vacuuming into your schedule tomorrow. Mentally move laundry to the next day, since you're vacuuming tomorrow. Wish there was someone to carry it up the stairs for you. Wish there was someone at all. Quickly strike that thought. You are an independent woman. You will feel it again soon. Believe it.