Quoteworthy: Renewal

My long-time friends Krista and Kelsey and I used to say that May felt more appropriate than January for a "New Years'" celebration. In grad school, we'd throw Spring Thaw parties (always looking for a reason to break out the vodka...) and toast to new beginnings. I still love that idea, but now that I'm out of school, I feel like fall needs its own type of renewal celebration.

Renew: (v) to make new, fresh, or strong again; to make a vow or promise again; to begin again with more force or enthusiasm

Renew: (v) to resume after an interruption

Synonyms: regenerate, revive, resume, replace, replenish, reestablish

I've seen about 100 first day of school photos on Facebook, and along with wondering how in the hell so many of my friends suddenly have five-year-old PEOPLE for children, I've been harnessing the feeling that came with "back to school" as a child.

Back to routine, back to basics, back to learning. Realigning with your priorities. A fresh start for all.

"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Never throw out anyone."
 --Audrey Hepburn

"Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall."
 --F. Scott Fitzgerald

"You may have a fresh start at any moment you choose, for this thing we call failure is not the falling down, but the staying down."
--Mary Pickford

"Close some doors. Not because of pride, or arrogance, or incapacity, but simply because they no longer lead anywhere."
 --Anonymous

"Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others."
--H.  Jackson Brown Jr.

"As you think, as you travel, as you love, you attract."
 --James Allen

Summer, you were the most beautiful interruption.

Quoteworthy: Savor

My friend Rachel recently remarked that summer is about savoring and enjoying the good, while winter is about reflecting and contemplating change.

 

Out loud, or rather via Gchat, I responded, "Yes! Exactly." But something deep down in the murkiness of my heart-of-hearts responded differently, silently, over the past few days: Then why are they so hard for me to do separately? 

 

I thought I'd gotten better at the balance, at not defaulting to comparison, at not needing to hold both good and bad in my hands at once. Why do I always have to feel all the feelings? 

 

So when an email from my friend Alicia offered the word 'savor' as well, I knew there was something to it. What does it mean to savor, truly?

Savor is sort of like my old friends resolve and sufficiency in that it has so many meanings that it becomes more beautiful the more you study it. To savor is to be as aware as possible, to honor life's complexities, to feel all the feelings and know how to express them. It's a noun and a verb: a thing you can be or appreciate and a thing you can do, actively.  My very favorite type of word.

Savor: (n) a distinctive quality; the particular feature or trait that makes something or someone interesting or enjoyable; the power to excite
Savor: (v) to enjoy something for as long as possible; to experience with pleasure

Synonyms: relish, taste, enjoy, revel

It's interesting that savor has the connotation of doing something slowly because as much as I want to soak up what's left of the exceedingly fleeting Chicago summer, I also have an intense urge to slow down. Conflicting feelings, always.

 

But I suppose that's what I love so much about this word. Savor literally means to realize the good (the wonder! the taste! the sound! the feeling! the aliveness!) and the bad (the fleeting, the fading, the passing, the transient) both at once. It's the quintessence of being in the moment; it reaches equally in both directions. It's a bittersweet word, just in time for a bittersweet season.

"The root of joy is gratefulness. It is not joy that makes us grateful. It is gratefulness that makes us joyful."
 --Brother David Steindl-Rast

"The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware. Joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware."
 --Henry Miller

"Let me live, love, and say it well in good sentences."
--Sylvia Plath

Keep your head up / try and listen to your heart
Be kind always / no matter
We all grow up / and someday we'll say goodbye
So shine your light while you've got one

Make the most of what you've got
Don't waste time trying to be something you're not
Fill up your head and fill up your heart
and take your shot
 --Dave Matthews Band, Drunken Soldier

"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad, and I'm still trying to figure out how that can be."
 --The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

For each new morning with its light,
for rest, and the shelter of the night.
for health and food, for love and friends,
for everything thy goodness sends.
 --Ralph Waldo Emerson, We Thank Thee

For words that become more beautiful the more you study them, for words that arrive in your inbox or chat session at just the right moment, for words that capture the exact feeling that your heart aches to communicate, I thank thee.

Quoteworthy: Sufficiency

I write a lot about struggles here, about my insecurities and things I'm working to change about myself.

In fact, here's a confession: I pretty much spent the last year thinking about my shortcomings, my flaws, the baggage that I bring to relationships, the ways that I fail other people--trying to figure out how to unload some of it or improve.

Which means I've pretty much spent a year of my life thinking about deficiencies. Thinking about my glass as half empty.

Dating after years of shutting out intimacy will do this to you. I basically ripped open a part of myself I had sewn shut and was shocked by what I found: Old (oldoldold, really really old) wounds, an embarrassing track-record of accepting far less than I should have (about half if I had to estimate), and a nagging feeling as though what I had to offer wasn't on par.

Which, after a while, is a seriously sucky headspace to be in. 'Exhausting' is one word that comes to mind. 'Totally fucking depressing' are three others.

 

Source

So I've been thinking about ways to get more in the headspace of sufficiency, which is a totally beautiful word I just learned.

Sufficiency: (adj) the condition of being adequate
Adequate: (adj) fully suitable

Synonyms: abundance, fullness, competency, enough, satisfactory

There is a family story that I like to tell people in which my grandpa requested My Cup Runneth
Over on the radio. When it played, he stood in the kitchen with my grandma and hugged her while she cried. It's become a special song to my family, and now, it's the anthem of how I think about love:

Sometimes in the morning, when shadows are deep
I lie here beside you, just watching you sleep
And sometimes I whisper, what I'm thinking of
My cup runneth over with love

Sometimes in the evening, when you do not see
I study the small things, you do constantly
I memorize moments that I'm fondest of
My cup runneth over with love

In only a moment, we both will be old
We won't even notice the world turning cold
And so in this moment with sunlight above
My cup runneth over with love

With love
 --Ed Ames, My Cup Runneth Over


What I have learned from a year of thinking about deficiencies is that what counts in life is effort. What counts in love is being present. Being open. Being vulnerable. Being your whole self. Baring your flaws for others to see. Studying love. Taking risks. Fostering a foundation of happiness that sustains all else.

What I have learned from a year of thinking about deficiencies is that my cup has never been empty--or even half full. It has always been full, and always will be--and one day, when the universe works its magic, it will run over. But for now, full is sufficient. And sufficiency is beautiful.

Quoteworthy: Vulnerability

I often have to have written about something before I understand it.

It's what makes me good at my job--I essentially write about things I don't know about for a living. I gather morsels of information in the research portion of a project, and by stringing the words and paragraphs together, a fully formed idea inevitably emerges. I don't know what it's going to look like until it's finished. It kind of feels like painting sometimes, working on the strokes themselves and later backing up to see the big picture. I don't think I'll ever be able to teach it. It's just how I've been my entire life, thanks to some really great teachers, and since it works, and it pays my bills, I know when to leave well enough alone. I don't question it. I just write, and things make more sense.

In my early twenties I recognized that writing could help me process things in my personal life as well. Only a few years ago, around the time I started this blog, did I really force myself to write as a vehicle for sorting things out. If I had to guess I'd say I only post about 10% of what I write--outside of work, of course. There are a lot of drafts in my Blogger account, a lot of Word documents on my laptop. I've got a lot to sort out still.

I am telling you this not only because I think it's important to recognize our strengths, but because it's the only way I can explain my biggest weakness. Because with this blessing comes a curse.

The world doesn't communicate the way I'm wired to, not on an interpersonal level.  In relationships, you can't hole up in your bedroom and work things out alone on your laptop. You have to be able to work things out in real time. You have to meet another person half way. You have to address things piece by piece, before the larger picture emerges, if it ever even does. You can't play to your strengths because everything has to be on the table. You need to hang in, be open, be vulnerable. Your emotions can't just percolate in a Word document somewhere. You have to share before you're ready to. Life is unpolished. Messy, even.

And before there is even a chance to have to "work things out", you have to be open enough to enter a relationship. And before you enter a relationship, you have to be open enough to be seen, truly, by someone. To know and be known: the precursor to loving and being loved.

I don't have to tell you how risky this all is. I don't have to tell you how much it hurts sometimes, how terrifying it is. There's rejection. Opposition. Conflict. A thousand wounds to be opened. A hundred new ones to avoid. We all know this. It's the human condition.

But I've been thinking a lot about vulnerability lately, how necessary it is. Excruciating at times and definitely pushing us out of the ol' comfort zone, but necessary. I'm learning in this season of my life that even if I get hurt, even when the wound still smarts and I have to rally my girlfriends or cry it out in the shower, being vulnerable has always been worth it.

There is no reward in being closed off. There is no merit in keeping yourself hidden. Vulnerability is the key that unlocks a lot of doors, doors behind which there are a lot of good things: Love. Support. Friendship. Not being alone with your thoughts.

I didn't realize that was the point I was getting at until I finished this post, which tells me I have a lot of work to do. But maybe I'll try to edit a little less intensely this time around.

"I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life--and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do." --Georgia O'Keefe (Speaking of painting...)

"Vulnerability sounds like the truth, and feels like courage." --Brene Brown, the vulnerability expert

I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full
I need some meaning I can memorize
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind
But you, but you
You write such pretty words
But life's no story book
Love's an excuse to get hurt
and to hurt --Bright Eyes, A Lover I Don't Have To Love (<--Phenomenal cover)

How come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far I fall? --John Mayer, Heartbreak Warfare

Open: (adj) allowing access; not closed off; being in a position to permit passage 

Synonyms: free, expansive, unobstructed

Sounds good to me.

Quoteworthy: Detours

I've got about 6 months left until I turn 30, and despite every effort to just 'be cool', I find myself needing reminders that April 13 is not an expiration date, it's not a deadline, and it's not a finish line. It doesn't even really have to be a milestone if I don't want it to be.

Because I've kind of come to realize that milestones are a bunch of hullaballoo.

It's human nature to look around and wonder if we're aligned with certain norms or certain timelines--careers, investments, relationships and babies. You know what I'm talking about. We're quietly satisfied and relieved when we hit these marks, but we struggle to be happy with what happens in the meantime. Life. The living we do. The mistakes we make. The surprises that are in store.

And maaaaaybe by "us" I mean me. Historically, I've been pretty terrible at weathering the detours.  

In a recent email, my friend Allison offered a new way of looking at the happenings of my life: What if they were not defined by my feelings about them? What if they weren't normal or abnormal? What if they weren't even poor choices or good choices? What if they simply proved that I was living?  No matter what, that had to be a good thing.

It took a while for my type-A brain to process that. It couldn't be that simple, could it?

Take my house for example. I bought it because I needed to do something to feel like I was making a life in Marquette. Fast forward two and half years, and I decided that was no longer the life I wanted. Then I spent the first six months in Chicago beating myself up: How could buying that house not have been a huge mistake if its no longer what I wanted? How could I have gotten it so wrong?

But you know what? She's right. Life happens. Goals change. You buy a house and then you don't want to live in it anymore. And that's okay, because you change course, and you rent the sucker out and you move to a new city and you find a life waiting for you that was beyond any of your expectations. But, plot twist!, mixed in with the awesomeness is this new strain of struggles that you didn't anticipate and you realize that expectations are a bunch of bologna, too. Timetables and goals and what you thought the future would look like... it's all a mirage and it changes and here's the most surprising part about it:

It's so much better that way. 

Consider it reserved.

The really beautiful part of it all is that I want the life I have now more than anything else I ever wanted before. (Maybe I need to chill with the wanting a little bit?) This really beautiful life I have is kind of messy, but the mess is so much better than the vision.

The mess hurts sometimes, yes, #likeabitch. I fall for people I have no business falling for. I say the exact, precise wrong thing at such a remarkably wrong time that there ought to be a medal around my neck, but then sometimes I really nail it and that feels really good. I struggle to communicate my needs but when it happens, and I'm heard, man, strike up the band! I rely more on my parents than I'd like to, but really, I think it's time to admit that I will always need them, and I think they like to see my name on the caller ID, regardless of why I'm calling. I still haven't learned how to gracefully accept support and advice, but you know what? Grace is a bunch of malarky as well.

A majority of the time it feels like I'm in over my head, but somehow I manage to pull it all off, sans Xanax. The mess is...messy and sometimes it feels like I have no idea what's next, but right now is so much better than anything I could have ever conjured up.

I'm trying to learn that it's okay to take risks, to fall easily, to speak up, to lean on others, to fail--it's okay to do all of those things. Those things make me a human--one that isn't closed off or playing small. What's not okay is measuring myself against fabricated timelines or expectations. What's not okay is beating myself up when plans change or are stalled or fail completely. Because that's usually when things get the most interesting.

You tell me that the hardest part of living / is living in the moment 
You turn around, your moment is gone 
It may come down to a decision / to change the way you're living 
The only way to live it / is to give it everything that you've got  --Mike Moran, The Difference

"If a train does not stop at your station, then it's not your train." --Marianne Williamson 

All you want is what you can't have
and if you just look around, man
you'll see you've got magic
So sit back, relax, enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life, man, and only see tragic
Because you can be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
Life's not about what's better than --John Butler Trio, Better Than

"And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." --Max Erhmann, Desiderata
 
Well I never seem to do it like anybody else
And maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
But if you ever want to find me I can still be found
Taking the long way around --The Dixie Chicks, Taking The Long Way Around

Detour: (n) an indirect or roundabout course to a destination
 
Destination: (n) the end of a journey or voyage

Have a little faith, Bobbi Marie. The best and most unexpected is yet to come. Take your time getting there.

A Heart Wide Open :OR: 10 Love Lessons I Learned from John Mayer

I'm not sure what it says about the fate of my love life that I believe I have gotten a somewhat legitimate education in matters of the heart from the person who is seemingly the most inept person in the world to deliver such wisdom.

You know how sometimes you learn what not to do from someone's actions? Well, I'm thinking of dear Johnny as a big brother who screwed up so royally that I'll never have to make the same mistakes on my own. Because, you know, I'm totally innocent in this department and have never made a single misstep.

Ahem.

Behold, the lessons John Mayer taught me about how to navigate the winding chambers of my own heart and the weird wacky world of Figuring Out The Opposite Sex:

1. Ask for what you want. It's the only way you're going to get it.

If you want more love, why don't you say so? -Heartbreak Warfare

Oh, uh, good point. Why don't I?

2. Walk away when it's not the complete package. Love hurts the most when it's unbalanced. And really, that's not love, now is it?

Anything other than 'yes' is 'no' / anything other than 'stay' is 'go'  -Friends, Lovers or Nothing

3. Figure out what you're running from. And then figure out what you should be running from. Don't be the crazy girl who doesn't know the difference. Then act accordingly.

You're like 22 girls in one / And none of them know what they're running from -Paper Doll

4. If you find yourself conceding, negotiating with yourself, or settling in any way, move on. 

I can't be her angel now / You know, it's not my place to hold her down / and it's hard for me to take a stand / when I would take her any way I can -Neon

Don't be this girl. Even if he makes you buzz like neon, neon. No--especially if he makes you buzz like neon, neon.

 Dumbest smart person to ever get a record deal.

5. Speak your peace. You'll feel a lot better, regardless of the outcome--even if sucks in the meantime. No--especially if it sucks in the meantime. That usually means there's something important to be said.

Say what you need to say

Have no fear for givin' in / Have no fear for givin' over / You better know that in the end / it's better to say too much / than never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shakin' / and your faith is broken / Even as the eyes are closin' / Do it with a heart wide open -Say

6. Avoid people who can't love you. For whatever reason, even if and especially if it's a reason he made up in his own head and can't or won't articulate.

Half of my heart is a shot gun wedding / to a bride with a paper ring / and half of my heart is the part of a man / who's never truly loved anything

Down the road / later on / you will hate that I never gave more to you / than half of my heart --Half of My Heart

You will. Don't date this boy. For Heaven's sake, don't love this boy.

7. The right person will love you even when you are not 100%.

Suppose I said / colors change for no good reason / Words will go / from poetry to prose 

Would you want me when I'm not myself / Wait it out while I am someone else / And I in time / will come around / I always do / for you  -Not Myself

It's okay to ask that of someone as long as you love the same way in return.

8. There's someone for everyone. Just sometimes you have to go through a lot of someones to find your Someone.

Good love is on the way / I been lonely but I know I'll be okay -Good Love is on the Way

When I was your lover / no one else would do / If I'm forced to find another / she's gonna look like you / Yeah and she's nicer too / I'm gonna find another you -I'm Gonna Find Another You

"This is a song about talking to the person that you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you'll be. You just have to wait your turn. She's out there, he's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against." -Live Version of Love Song For No One

9. You gotta look out for Number One.

Three years broken-hearted / Now her ghost is finally gone / I'm done with broken people / This is me I'm working on -Good Love is on the Way

I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me / so I can say this is the way that I used to be -Split Screen Sadness

10. In the end, listen to your heart. It's not as dumb, complicated, silly, flaky or broken as you might think. Stop being ridiculous.

Yeah... Johnny's never written anything about this. This I learned from his poor example.

Quoteworthy: Centeredness

When I lived in Marquette, when I was living by my roots, the wings were all I could think about--the things I wanted to do and go and be and see. And now that I am living by my wings, and putting myself in all sorts of new situations and environments, I've been closely examining my roots.

I know that I'm closer to finding a better balance, but the irony of this is not at all lost on me. In fact, it is so quintessentially Bobbi that it is rather obnoxious. File this one under #noshitSherlock. (Remember when hashtagging wasn't a thing? Neither do I.)

But then again that's what this space has always been...an attempt to even things out and be as balanced as possible. A place to document the gravitational pull between my two poles. Maybe in the end, I'll just have one thousand posts struggling to articulate the same thing: the strange, intense dichotomy that is my inner emotional life. Maybe.

On my trip home for the 4th of July, I felt for the first time in a long time that I was standing in the middle of the roots and the wings--that I had both, and what I had was everything I needed. I hugged my honorary nieces and nephews, caught up on heart-to-hearts with some of the best people I know, spent time shooting the shit in Bob's Garage-mahal, walked the shores of the lake with my mama, and watched Henley run wild on open trails. I didn't wish to be anywhere else. It was that New York feeling I had craved for over 7 years: Supported, and happy. Free, but grounded.

And then I piled back in my car with two awesome humans and three awesome puppies, and I headed back to my other home with no hesitation. I unpacked my bags, took a long walk around my neighborhood, prepped my morning smoothie, and settled in to write this post.

Source

According to Wikipedia, "an object at the Equator experiences a weaker gravitational pull than an object at the poles". So, the goal, it seems, really is to stay as close to the center as possible. #Noted.

"Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you truly love. It will not lead you astray." --Rumi

"Oh twice as much, ain't twice as good / And can't sustain like one half could / It's wanting more / That's going to send me to my knees" --John Mayer, Gravity

"Not one that I have found in all of my searching equaled the one that found me when I finally stopped." --Tyler Knott Gregson

"And I asked myself about the present: how wide it was, how deep it was, how much of it was mine to keep." --Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse Five

"You belong among the wildflowers / You belong in a boat out at sea / You belong with your love on your arm / You belong somewhere you feel free"  --Tom Petty, Wildflowers

Gravity: (n) a natural force of attraction; of grave consequence and importance

Balance: (n) a harmonious or satisfying arrangement; an influence producing equilibrium



Quoteworthy: To Love and Be Loved

A few weeks ago, during a visit to Michigan, my cousin's wife, Amy, and I made good on a plan my aunt had cooked up before she passed away. Our Auntie Vicki bravely fought breast cancer and endured both radiation and chemo, all the while never losing the sparkle in her eye and never ceasing to care for those around her with relentless and bounding love. She'd declared, with a classic mischievous glow on her face, that we'd get tattoos when she finished treatment. She wanted the word "hope" on her foot--a nod to breast cancer research.

She finished treatment alright, beat the cancer and rocked her post-Chemo hairdo...but died suddenly of other causes. It was a blow to our family that we are all still processing, still healing from. Losing two family members so suddenly is terrible enough; losing the two family members that most actively loved our family fiercely and generously was another.

Selfishly, not long after I got to Chicago, I realized that I felt like I lost two of my biggest cheerleaders right before I took what might be considered the biggest leap of my life. I felt a little lost and a little weaker for the wear.

It took me a few weeks to realize that nearly 29 years of love like that is a really lucky thing. When I looked at it like that, I felt buoyed and brave.

Then I got a Facebook message from Amy: "Tattoos when you're home?" It was time to make good.

Amy sweetly got the tattoo my aunt wanted, on her foot, with a beautiful pink ribbon worked into the script of the word 'hope'.

I chose a small heart on my wrist, to remind myself that love never really goes away. It's a reminder that I am always armed (punny!) with love, no matter where I am or what I am doing. It might also be a little reminder to myself that there is love of the romantic variety out there, and I should find it, and I should risk it, and invite it in, and let it in, and nuture it, and honor the sheer miracle that it even exists.

Is anyone surprised that even my tattoo has roots and wings?

Thanks, Amy, for your friendship and for making this happen. Especially for calling the tattoo shop, allowing me to go first, and not thinking (or at least saying) I was crazy for being incredibly anxious about something that didn't really hurt and took two minutes. You impressed the hell out of me because yours was a lot bigger! :)

"To love and be loved--this on earth is the highest bliss." --Unknown

"My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to. Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small. You never need to carry more than you can hold. And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you. And wants the same things, too." --Rascal Flatts

"What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family." --Mother Teresa

“You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.”  --Frederick Buechner

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; Loving someone deeply gives you courage." --Lao Tzo

"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could." --Louise Erdrich

Love (n): unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another; deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person

Surround (n): to be all around; to encircle; to be a member of an entourage

Quoteworthy: Be You

Being new and meeting so many people makes you so self-aware. It's been a long time since I've been so cautious about what words come out of my mouth and what I share with people I talk to. I vacillate between clamming up and putting up walls and yearning to share more of my personality. It's strange, being new.

As someone who has to make it a point to not live in her head all the time, this has been an interesting week. A week full of growth, though--a week full of stretching. In an effort to come out of my shell a bit and let people get to know the full, unedited Bobbi, I've gathered some quotes about being yourself.  You can't shine, after all, unless you're being real.

   

source

"I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity and her flaming self respect. And it's these things I'd believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn't all she should be." --F. Scott Fitzgerald

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." --Dr. Suess

"You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be someone who hates peaches." --Dita Von Teese

"The more you love your decisions, the less you need others to love them." --Anonymous

"If you want to sing out, sing out. If you want to be free, be free. There's a million things to be. You know that there are." --Cat Stevens


Authentic (n): of undisputed origin; true; real

Genuine (n): sincerely or honestly felt or experienced

Quoteworthy: Going for it

The last month has been a reality-bomb of changes across life's spectrum. I lost my most favorite person ever, my Papa, to cancer, relatively suddenly; I got a new job; I began the process of finding an apartment and renting out my house; I bought a new car; and one of my nearest and dearest friends had a baby. In the same week. Oh, and I graduated from physical therapy after three off-and-on years, which means that after three years of checking in with someone else about my body 2-3 times per week, I'm on my own. Eeeek.

I struggle to process change. It's part of the roots and wings thing. It's been hard to digest all these different changes at once, especially while I am preparing to leave my job, and move my whole existence (and rambunctious dog) across state lines. 

Losing my grandpa, while incredibly difficult, served as a great reminder of how to live a good life. His family and friends remember him as always having time to pay a compliment, always with a smile on his face, always working hard and reminding people he loved them. While it's hard to leave my family right after losing our beloved patriarch, I know that Papa would want me to go kick some ass and take some names. Life is to be lived, after all.

Source

The good news is that I've got it through my thick skull that writing can help me process all of it, and it has. I'll be ready to share it some day, but for now, I've gathered some quotes about courage and, to be corny, shooting for the stars.

"The trouble is, you think you have time." --Buddha

"If you are lucky enough to find a way of life that you love, you have to find the courage to live it." --John Irving

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all. For now you are traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be." --Meg Cabot

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive. Because what the world needs is more people who have come alive." --Howard Thurman

"Sometimes you just have to leap, and build your wings on the way down." --Kobi Yamada


Courage (n): the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to live without fear; to act in accordance with one's beliefs

Spirit (n): the principle of conscious life

Quoteworthy: Beginnings

I'm feeling a little cruddy as I continue to recover from whatever it was that hit me over Christmas--the flucoldplaguesinusinfection monster.

So I'm taking it easy on New Year's Eve for the first time since... well, probably Kindergarten.

My first legal New Year's Eve. ID at the ready.

Today I'm thinking a lot about beginnings. I used to write a lot of resolutions for the new year--sometimes up to 50. Most were specific ("spend more time with Papa", "plan a kayaking trip") but sometimes they were general, too ("complain less", "eat more greens"). Aside from writing more, I don't have any resolutions in mind going into 2013. I'm trusting the universe with this one.

Instead, I am going to ride the coattails of the inspiration that comes from beginnings. Here are a few quotes I found to be particularly heartening. Wishing you all a healthy, happy, inspiring New Year.

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." --C.S. Lewis

"What you seek is seeking you." --Rumi

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." --Semisonic (Oh why yes, I went there.) 

"I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life--and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do." --Georgia O'Keeffe 

"You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling." --Eames (Tom Hardy), Inception

Beginning (n): a source; an origin

Inspiration (n): a divine influence directly and immediately exerted upon the mind or soul

Here's hoping 2013 brings you divine influence.