On Turning Thirty

So, there was a point in time when I was pretty sure I'd spend my 30th birthday in a pile on my bed, clutching Henley's fur with one hand, and a bag of Doritos with the other. I actually envisioned, long ago, my phone ringing, and then going to voicemail, and then ringing, and then going to voicemail throughout the day. I thought I'd push everyone away and just be...sad.

I know that's dramatic. But the feeling of all-around uncertainty that comes with being single and on the verge of thirty is gripping, people. It can overwhelm a girl for a hot second. So #judgywudgywasabear. That's just how I was feelin'.

So, I started to prepare. On my 27th birthday, because that is how I roll. It was going to take some serious strategy to survive this thing unscathed.

Obviously, what this list was really about was #30: learning to embrace...just about everything. It became less about being single (because who knew I still would be three years later? And, because? It turns out, its seventeen kinds of awesome) and more about getting right with my attitude about life, in general. It became about losing the idea that I had to hit certain milestones by a certain time. It became about losing the list--and getting out there and living.

Let me give away the ending: I am stronger, happier, healthier, saner, wiser, more connected and more in love with life on this day than I have ever been. No Doritos in sight. I whole-heartedly embrace being single because it means I still get to fall in love. That is still ahead of me. That is so beautiful.

I embrace my untetheredness in general because it means I still get to choose. I embrace thirty because holy shit, the possibilities in general. I'm employed, experienced, valued, and contributing to a good cause. I'm surrounded and safe and loved. I'm healthy, active and able. And I can go anywhere from here.

It took a long time... (cough) three years...to get here mentally. Things aren't perfect. Change is only a matter of time. I still have goals that I'm gunning down. Meltdowns abound. I'm still saving the right side of my bed for someone other than Henley.

But I've worked relentlessly to feel the way I do today: that everything is as it should be this moment, and that that is enough. So that's what I celebrated on Sunday, the okay-ness, the enough-ness, the sufficiency that I have found. It was hard fought, but my cup is filled to the brim.

I've chronicled enough of it here on this blog, so I'll summarize for once in my life: The biggest lesson I've learned is that, girl, you gotta get after it. Get after happiness. Get after the job. Get after the skills. Get after health. Get after fitness. Get after love. Get after life. No one is going to do it for you. And very few people will give you permission, so don't wait for that, either.

So, I'm going to spend the next thirty and beyond getting after it, whatever the it of the moment is. That will never change. But I've also learned that to be happy in the moment is a constant work in progress. I'm down with that. I think I'm finally getting the hang of this roots and wings thing.

P.S. I did actually free myself of any rush to complete my list, but for those interested in how it shook out, click here.